Epiphany

I was just tlkn to lola on myspace and i kinda noticed somethin.I kinda went off subject on the comment but if she reads this,she'll know why.Warning,this was extremely cofusing to read myself so bear with me plz!

I remember the first time i listened all the way through graduation.I repeated it.When i got that cd,i had just found out that i didn't want to be a copy anymore.I was just another south pole wearin black kid,and i didn't like it anymore.That cd taught me self confidence and how to be an individual.That was at the peak of my happiness and Kanye's happiness.But both of us go through some pretty hard stuff afterwards,his stuff sooner and mine later.Maybe two or three months later he losses his mother and awhile after that,he breaks off his engagement with his fiancee.My luck changed on the day of the senior graduation.I had a lil altercation with my stepdad.Then i suffered the worst summer of my life.All i did was practice golf and i found out that my real father doesn't give a fuck about.Srry for the strong language i usually don't cuss but when it comes to him,everything changes.The thing that really hurts me the most about that though is that i reached out to him on a weekly basis and he said he would send for me.Then he stopped answering the phone when i called and thats all i wanna say about him.All i want is christmas presents from him.Anyways,i didn't do anything all summer.And at that point i could actually tlk to my gurlfriend,but my dad wouldn't let me go and chill at her house.All i wanted to do was watch movies and play pool.Sex was the last thing on my mind.Thats the kind of bond we have.He let me go over one day towards the end of summer and that was like for an hour and a half.I cherished all that time i had too.Soo then band camp comes around and i enjoyed it because i got outta the house and away from golf practice and daily bible studies.Then the first week of school came and I was on cloud nine.Nothin could go wrong,until that weekend.It started out good.My aunt came and stayed with me while my parents and siblings were out of town.I went and played golf one and then that sunday i went to my gf's dad's church(he's a pastor.I'm brave i know).Afterwards,i went to their house for a lil church people bbq.Watched Texas Chain Saw Massacre,ate good food,and cuddled(how manly).After that i left and went home.I took a nap and went to eat at logans with my aunt.Went home and chilled.The next day is when it got bad.I woke up and said good-bye to my aunt,who was goin back home.I had the house and car to myself.Several hours,some bad text messages,and an ill-advised car ride later,i was in some deep shit.My gurls parents were trippin and they didn't want us to date anymore.Idk how to express that time.Well maybe one word:confused.They had me thinking i was a bad kid.But then i sat back and thought "i'm not bad.Ur stupid.As a pastor,u should be more forgiving than ur being.I FUCKIN WROTE U A FOUR PAGE LETTER(in pencil),APOLOGIZING FOR ALL THE STUPID SHIT I DID.HOW DARE U JUDGE ME????I'VE ONLY SAID SIX SENTENCES TO U IN ALL MY LIFE,AND U WANNA JUDGE ME BASED ON 2 HOURS OF MY ACTIONS???My bad i lost my cool,but fuck that shit irritates me.So then he changed his mind and said that we needed time away from each other.In three weeks,yall can date again.My parents didn't like how he thought he just dictate stuff,but they said if ur cool wit it,we're cool wit it.So yeeah i'm happy and waiting in anticipation of being able to date her again.Then i thought,"Hey,the end of the three weeks is a coupla days before homecoming."So yeah i start to pick out my outfit(a neyo,jonas brothers crossover).I'm the happiest kid ever and then the end of the three weeks comes and her dad says,"I think its best if yall don't date anymore."He says,"He's just a kid tryin to spit game and he'll prolly cheat on you.Hell,he's prolly cheatin on you now."I'm tryin to restrain from usin all caps rite now.First,i ain't tryin to spit game.I am spittin game.Lol jk i couldn't resitst.But yeah,where does he get this stuff from???If you're still reading this,because its really long,does that sound like me???Leave a comment and lemme know.I could do another blog saying alotta stuff about homeboi but another day maybe.So yeah things just got worse from there.And then my parents started trippin and now they think everyone i associate is a bad influence for me and i should concentrate on skool and stuff.So after going over about a year and a half of my life,i wanna say that 808s & Heartbreaks is touchin rite into my depression.I listened to pinnochio's story while writing this whole thing and he said he saw himself on t.v and saw nothing.When i see pics of me smiling recently compared to times before September 1,2008,i see a drastic difference.The newer ones look so fake.When i do smile it almost looks painful.The lines that my face makes looked like they haven't been made in a long time.Like they haven't been used in awhile.But thru all that,its kool cuz i see my idol goin thru stuff too.Mine might not be as serious,but it lets me know i can connect with someone.I think the way for me to be happier is to go to college in New York like i want and for Kanye to(unfortunately)take a lil break and recollect his thoughts in hawaii or somewhere far off.This has been long enough and if u made all the way to the bottom of this post,wut a weenie.Jk.I'm done for awhile.Peace and Much Love To You.