A Loner In A Bubble Awaiting His Second Day Of Detox

I hear that the only way to solve a problem is to get to the source.I'm unhappy.That's such a broad statement.I'm unhappy because i feel alone.I'm always surrounded by people.Or so it seems.The people that surround me are nothing but mere characters taking part in the fairy tale that is The Developing Life of A Retarded Genius.Most have no use.They're just smiling faces on the page.But then there are some who help develope the story.The few who keep me going.The few who ensure that i see the sun rise and fall still to this day.I'm pretty mentally unstable.I've been millimeters away from doing some harmful stuff to myself,but these people......you get the point.So you're probably thinking "Delano,you've got people.You shouldn't be complaining."Yeah i got people,but I'm isolated from these people.It feels like I'm already in Hawaii.Already on my little island away from the big island(The United States).I remember a quote from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.Harry and Loony Luna Lovegood were talking in the woods one day and somehow they came up on the subject of Harry feeling lonely or some shit.He felt isolated from Ron and Hermione.Then Luna Lovegood said something along the lines of "Well if I were You-Know-Who,I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else.Because if it's just you alone you're not as much of a threat."Call me crazy,but i think if the devil makes me feel separated from everyone,I can't be much of a threat.Maybe the devil is putting these thoughts of separation in my head to bring me to my own destruction?People say that you can't get anywhere in this life without help.I'm always the first to give it,but the last to except it.Maybe the "problem" i have is simply because i hate taking hand-outs.I've been getting a lot of comments lately such as "You look like a ghost.You look lost.You never seem happy.Etc."Maybe if i just man up and tell people that i don't feel great these days,things will be better.That's what i do when i write in my journal and then post it on here.I'm talking about how i feel,but the thing is after I'm done writing,my mind feels empty....not eased.I feel better when i keep it bottled inside me,yet i want to pour it all out.But then i get scared of people's reactions,so i bottle it back up inside.And I'm back at GO.And i pass it.Land on luxury tax.No $200 for me.The first few turns were good,but as more and more houses and hotels and other obstacles are being built,i can feel the pressure.The pressure to succeed.The pressure to not fuck up.The pressure to creep right past the three houses on Boardwalk and collect my $200.But then i land on it.I count the board spaces until i reach the breaking point.Every space brings me closer to my destruction.I see it on the horizon and i can't do a damn thing about it.After prolonging the inevitable.....i reach my set destination.Then I'm broke.And as i sit to the side watching everyone else have fun buying up property.....i wonder why that can't be me.Why am i the only one who lands on Boardwalk?EVERYBODY else is landing on Baltic Avenue and Vermont Avenue.They get setback a few $100,but they toss the die and get back to making money.And i sit and watch and analyze why they are better than me.No,as of this moment.....I'm not out the game.....YET......I've got a few more turns to go.But i feel me getting broker and broker as each turn passes.The end is nearing.But isn't it always darkest before the dawn?When will my dawn come?It can't come faster if you ask me.So yeahh....what started all this "crazy" talk?It all started in the summer with step dad issues and real dad disappearances.Graduation of close friends.Then came August.Got into some girl friend problems between her parents and myself.Slaved my way through that relationship.Literally,i put that shit on MY back.Decided to get selfish and end the relationship.Best friend moves.And another.Dad's ass is nowhere to be found.Drama with golf.That's just brief peeps in and out of the last 10 months of my life.It can be broken down more,but I've done that enough.So then,i make this New Years declaration that life will be great in 09'.But it's just as bad as 08'.Well not really,but anyway.But on New Years,i decided i was gonna make this the best year of my life.Epic fail.Maybe the reason I'm unhappy is because i'm not living up to the sky high expectations I've set for this year.I started living by a motto lately which is "The Key To Happiness Is Low Expectations".Young,goofy Delano had 0 expectations.And he was happy.And then he grew up over a span of a few months and tried to see the world through grown up eyes.And then he became unhappy.Is there a connection there?If i lived like a carefree 7 year old,life would be grand.Correction:If i lived like a carefree 7 year old and my parents allowed it,life would be grand.I try to live carefree,but then i keep getting college brochures shoved in my face.I get hair show and band and golf commitments shoved down my throat because it looks good on a resume.I wish my resume could be a heart to heart talk to the company or college.Why do my accomplishments have to decide how great i am?Why does a fucking GPA or class rank justify my intelligence?Back when i was a kid,my teacher's gave us report cards,but most of that was judged on how we were as people.Not how we were according to the papers on their desk.Or a project you did over a period of three weeks.I miss those carefree grade school days.I would walk in and not have to think "Oh shit i didn't do the mountain of homework Ms.Bitch gave us.Now i gotta stress out about that.WHILE falling behind."Anyways......i'm done for today.Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow.