Another Epiphany

People,I'm confused!I had church tonite.Oh yeah,its new years eve.So yeah,I was pretty mad when I heard I was spending new years eve at church.I wanted to get fucked up(for black people,that means I wanted to get really drunk)!So yeah that's pretty messed up when u think about it.I would rather get drunk instead of go to church.So yeah,I'm pretty disappointed in myself.And I had the nerve to complain about how much time the pastor kept us over.The reason he kept everyone over was because he got everyone in the church to write out their plans for the new year and put it on the alter.Sidebar,my church numbers close to nine thousands in membership.And they had to turn people back because of fire hazard reasons.It was packed.Soo yeah,he got errbody and they mama to come down and pray.Well not everyone,just those who were willing to go down.Of course,I didn't go.Soo yadayadayda.I'm outside,remember I just got of church,singing "Bed"by J.Holiday.And the secular songs just kept rolling off my tongue!I was even cussin in church.Mainly in mind,but still!WTF!I saw many weeping and it had zero to noo affect on me.I felt gay in a sense(this is gonna be a gay analogy,but i'm straight.I love me some boobies!).Me and the guys are at a titty bar and this chick is dancing on me.Butt naked!!!Errbody else is all happy and i'm like meehhh.My dick doesn't even jump.Idk how to compare it to church,but my dick didn't jump tonite.I'm pretty mad about it.This happens everywhere I go.I always feel out of place.But the one place I should feel at home,the place I should feel like I belong....I don't.=/.Maybe it's the pressure that I feel when it comes to christianity?My grandfather is a pastor and it feels as if though he is tryin to push me down that path.He says it's the right thing to do,seeing as how I have somewhat of a gift when it comes to words.Am I trying to tell him that I don't fit the preacher mold,by acting like God....is idk,not important?Trust me,it hurts to write this stuff.My mother and father are deep in the church family.Almost all my family members are deep in the church.My little brother runs around singing church music,and he's only three!The only reason I go to church on sundays,is to get away from my stepdad(and to be treated so cici's minutes after that).Idk i'm rambling,I gotta go.Maybe you guys can help me find somethin to make my dick jump???